I have “joked” in the past that self-loathing and self-directed spite had become one of the driving motivators for me when it came to creative production. It took me too long to realize that it wasn’t a laughing matter. I ended up unironically taking “I’m a failed creator” to heart. I found myself writing and drawing not because I wanted to write and draw, but because I resented not having done enough of either. I’m not sure when this line of thinking truly started, but it has almost certainly been going on for at least the last decade. It’s only fairly recently that I’ve considered just how much this sentiment actually compounded the problems I was having.
The problem with this sort of thinking is it becomes a two-pronged self-sabotaging attack on one’s mental health. They say that True Art comes from Pain, but it’s one thing to write to exorcise your demons, and it’s another to deliberately injure yourself in order to get writing. It’s one thing to give yourself a little kick in the ass to get motivated into action, but if you’re relying continuously on that kick just to maintain momentum, you’re going to end up with a raw butt and broken toes and an inability to act at all.
Firstly, there is simply the act of miring oneself in a rancid stew of negativity. I would whip myself mentally over and over with horrible feelings and deprecating lectures to try and stoke my inner fires. Over time, however, heaping on the crap only served to infect the well. I had been sub-consciously training myself to associate being creative with also being miserable and desperate. Eventually, the anxiety of that crowded out whatever else I might be trying to say or do with whatever story I was trying to work on. It made me start to tunnel vision on certain negative emotions as the only themes I felt drawn to write.
Moreover, wallowing in such depressing emotions only made it all the easier to get overwhelmed by frustration, forcing me to have to break off more frequently to numb myself with distractions to cool my anxieties. Naturally, the frequent procrastination would then compound the problem of feeling like crap for not getting anything done. Eventually, this negative feedback loop would completely cripple my gumption, so that even trying to get started on a project in the first place felt like a Sisyphean task.
Secondly, when I did finally manage to write something, the accomplishment would result in an exhausting emotional rollercoaster, an intense high followed by a horrible crash. It was always elating, to feel like I’d broken the chains holding me down, that I finally was able to make something again. A sudden burst of euphoric positivity would erupt from the aching cavity in my mind, and I would finally feel good about myself for another brief period. I would capture that energy with frantic fervor, and ride it for as long as I could make it last.
And then, the positive energy would burn out, because it’s not my natural state. It’s a bucket of gasoline on the fire, not a big stack of logs. Whether I finished my project or simply made a solid chunk of progress on it, I could look back and feel amazing in the moment. But then, when I would take a much needed break, it’s like the chair would get kicked right out from under me, and I suddenly found myself backsliding into the pit. By defying my state as the “writer who can’t write”, I’d now undermined part of the engine I was relying on to keep momentum going. The positive energy was used up, while the negative energy had been temporarily canceled out; by the time I recovered from overworking myself, my gumption was gone once more. I’d be back to square one, unable to get the fire going again, much less keep it burning steadily.
This was the trap I fell into, and I am still working to break myself out of that toxic cycle. Maybe most people reading this will have no idea what I’m talking about. Maybe this is all just part of my own depression manifesting in my creative process. Maybe this is part of some undiagnosed neuro-divergency on my part. Maybe this is actually an incredibly common and completely obvious thing that a lot of creatives inevitably go through and get over, and it’s just my turn to go through the phase.
Whatever the case, I hope this little bout of introspection might help you a bit with your own frustrations, be they artistic or otherwise. I can’t say I have any good life-coaching advice on the subject, but what I can say is sometimes it’s best to just take a step back and reassess yourself; what are your real motivations, where is your energy truly coming from, and is there perhaps a pattern to the roadblocks you keep finding yourself encountering? Humans are creatures of habit and can be prone to getting stuck in our problems. For some, we can find ourselves deep in a rut before realizing it. If you find yourself falling into bad cycles, take the time to evaluate the situation, and see what you can do to adjust your efforts, instead of burning yourself out repeating the same mistakes. It seems obvious when said, but these sorts of traps can sneak up on people.
Good luck and godspeed and take care of yourselves!
No comments:
Post a Comment